Man Playing Video Games All Day Thankful He Has No Family
Roger Walton will spend all day today in front of his giant television screen, in the living room of his two-bedroom apartment. He will start the day with a little Assassin’s Creed 2, drink a six pack of beer, dive into some Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer, make a DiGiorno’s pizza, and play the hell out of Left 4 Dead 2 until he passes out in a pile of laundry and hungry cats.
Just another Thanksgiving for a guy whose entire family drowned in a freak white water rafting accident thirteen years ago.
“Can’t miss what you don’t know,” Roger says to Dilly, his three-year-old Calico cat.
“All I know is that if I was sittin’ round a table right now, swappin’ stories about vacations we took or funny things we did when we were younger, I wouldn’t be nearly as close to Sergeant Major as I am right now.”
At some point, Roger will pause the game and spend an hour and a half on the toilet, reading the latest Edge Magazine. “A Thanksgiving tradition!” he shouts as he drops trou.
Near dinnertime, the next door neighbors will probably “start being fuckheads” and bang on the wall, telling Roger that the Paramore album that he blasts while playing Modern Warfare is interrupting the Lord’s Prayer. When he refuses, someone will pound on his door and threaten to call the cops, so Roger will locks himself in his bedroom and levels up his dwarf priest.
This is how it always is.
“I’m thankful for tier 4 boots,” Roger sighs into his palm. “I’m thankful for how empty Dalaran is.”
As the sun sets behind the Chinese food restaurant across the street, Roger will stand by the window and watch the families say goodbye to one another below. He will sip his Red Bull and make snide comments into his headset.
“If that’s what families are, then I’m glad I don’t have ‘em. The only family I need is Ellis, Rochelle, Coach, and Nick.”
He will sleep tonight, his belly full, his head filled with visions of nuclear blasts, thankful that he doesn’t have to wake up tomorrow morning to go shopping, because he can get all the presents he’ll need at Petsmart the day before Christmas.
