Samus Aran, famed bounty hunter, opens her 3D map for the fifth time today and tries to find the quickest route.

Alright, straight ahead, purple door on the left, grapple across, up, take the left hallway, roll through the vent, grapple across the crevasse, green door on the left, right, right, straight. Piece of cake.

She bolts out of the elevator shaft through a door that looks like it’s been shot at as many times as she has. She makes her way into the snow-steeped landscape of Phendrana. Having just come from a barren desert environment, she contemplates the effects of pirate technology on the planet’s ecosystem. She steps on a spiked beetle, a challenge 5 energy tanks ago, a nuisance now.

She blasts it and wipes the innards off her visor. She surveys the vast desolate… whiteness. She spins around trying to get her bearings.

Straight ahead, purple door on the left…damn it.

She sighs and opens the map again. It takes her a few minute to align herself in the featureless wasteland, but she manages to find the right door by constantly flipping back to the map every time she makes a turn. She walks through another hallway and finds herself in a huge metallic chamber. She can clearly see the  purple door, but between her and it is a lava pit and a floating platform.

Grapple across, up, take the left hallway…

She eyes the conveniently placed grappling point.

…roll through the vent, grapple across the crevasse…

She swings across effortlessly. The door is still out of reach, with only a floating platform against the wall to help her. She double jumps straight up, but doesn’t make it. She takes a deep breath. With a bit more effort, she tries again. It doesn’t help.

…roll through the vent, grapple across the crevasse…

She gets a running start and soars across the crevasse.  Her feet plant on the rusted metal platform like a gymnast.

…roll through the vent, grapple across the crevasse…

The next jump is a hop by comparison. She goes through the door. There’s a fork in the hallway.

…roll through the…Wait, which way was it again? Dammit.

She opens up the map.

Left. I knew that. Green door on the left, right, right, straight…

She strides down the hallway, only one door between her and her destination. It took her hours to get from one end of this place to the other, but it’s the last place on this crazy planet she hasn’t explored. Not that she’s particularly looking forward to stumbling into yet another ecosystem where everything is trying to kill her.

The last set of doors open up to reveal…yet another door. But not just any door, a door with a red border. Samus tilts her head.
That’s a new one.

Fuck.

She tries her blaster. Nothing. Missle. Nada. Plasma wave? Nope. The door stays shut.

Could…could I have missed something?

She has no other choice. Samus checks her map again.

Backtrack, green door on the right, right, left, straight, blast through the wall, over the bridge, left, left, right, straight, over the crevasse, right, straight, left, double doors, roll through the vent…

Written by Hardcasual’s Canadian correspondent Filipe Salgado.