Dear David Duchovny,

First, let me thank you for reading and responding to my daily letters. Though many of your replies appear to be quite similar if not identical, and none of them actually address any of my questions, I appreciate the time you or your personal assistant make for our correspondence.

What I’m saying is that I’m sure you get lots of crazies sending you messages about god knows what and that’s why I’m just so glad my particular findings concerning the grassy knoll and the truth about 9/11 cut their way through the chaff of all that “loch ness monster” and “big foot” and “X-files should get another movie” non-sense you must receive from nobodies with too much time on their hands.

And now, after all these years, my work to prove these “conspiracy theories” to be what they really are — truths! — has paid off.

That’s right, with much alacrity I write to declare that I, Seth Goldstein, your biggest fan and amateur Cryptozoologist, have discovered the panacean solution to all our puzzles! It’s called Assassin’s Creed 2; you can buy it at Wal-Mart for like $59.99.

Can you believe it?! Believe it, David!

The Bermuda triangle, the suppression of “free energy,” Roswell – they’re all explained by symbols hidden within the game’s Italian Renaissance setting. Why are the answers hidden here? Because that, David, is where we would look last.

Just like when I found the name of the second gunman in a crossword puzzle on the back of my box of Trix. Or when, in the Teso Dos Bichos episode of X-files, we all thought it was the curse of that spooky urn that was killing everyone, but it was actually the town’s evil cats. We must learn to open our eyes – you taught me that!

But here’s the best part about my discovery, David!

Assassin’s Creed 2 corroborates my greatest and thus most important assertion: Henry Ford sponsored worldwide eugenics by developing the combustible engine and mass manufacturing it with underpaid laborers, all the while funding Adolf Hitler and championing (secretly) the Third Reich amongst the world elite. And I have the screenshot to prove it!

The screen, which I’ve paper clipped to the top of this letter, pulls back the wool from this wolf of a matter and would do the Lone Gunmen proud.

OK, now let me explain.

Henry Ford’s power didn’t come from money, but an ancient, magical relic codenamed PE-4. (I’d be crazy not to concede I was off by a little.) Ford tested the remnant by repressing his workers with mind control! And he mastered it by partnering with Hitler and suppressing the Jews…with mind control!

Mind controlled Jews! It was in front of us all along!

And yet, I confess suspicions of Assassin’s Creed II’s veracity remain, however slight. That’s why I write to you. Please test the image with all of your gizmos and gadgets. I know you must have kept most of the stuff used on set. Maybe Gillian Anderson can help you.

You see, there’s one problem. This Assassin’s Creed II stumbles by omission, a silent refusal to confirm my most deeply held, widely shunned belief: Paul McCartney died in 1966.

I mean, we know it’s true. Right, David? The clues have always been there, in front of our eyes. And our ears too. The mumbling between So Tired and Blackbird, “Paul is a dead man. Miss him.” And “I buried Paul” in the final refrain of Strawberry Fields Forever.

Wait. That’s it. It makes sense perfectly. Assassin’s Creed II doesn’t mention Paul’s death because the fallout is still happening.

Paul’s look-alike, William Campbell. He is the current keeper of the PE-4. How else could someone acquire the inhuman gift to sound, look and act like Paul McCartney.

Lord knows what a man could do with that! He could win Dancing with the Stars without even dancing!

We must act fast. I’ll book a plane ticket to LA.

See you soon!

Seth Goldstein
Editor, Cryptozoology Semi-Quarterly
Web Czar, X-Philos.com, “Greek Cooking for the Sci-Fan”