Over here, y’all! Found some guns!

Shi-it. This is what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! A rifle. Much better now. I was almost out of ammo, too.

Y’know, it’s times like these that I just have to thank the sweet Lord up above that those dumb socialist bitches in Congress weren’t able to take away our guns before everyone turned into zombies.

Just lemme finish. You said I could talk as long as it wasn’t about grandma. And this ain’t about grandma so you gotta let me talk.

Thanks, girl. Where was I?

Right. Guns. I mean, think about it. If we’d rolled over and let them egghead senators and…uh…congressionals…trample our second amendment rights, do you think we’d a lived as long as we have? Hell no! I mean, I can beat down a few sons’a’bitches with this here guitar, but a whole city-full? Boy, that’d a been hell on my arms.

Bottle a puke here.

Yeah, Nick, I know I don’t read a whole lot, and wasn’t all “caught up on politics” or whatever when Savannah got overrun, but I remember my friend Mac, who worked at the garage, telling me all about this bill in the Congress that was all about how they were gonna take away our guns.

And I was like, “You gotta be shittin’ me.”

And he was like, “No way. It’s just a matter of time before the cops are bustin’ down the door and takin’ away your hunting rifle.”

And I was like, “We should do something about it,” but we didn’t, because that’s when I started bangin’ this chick named Michelle and his mom got real sick. Aw, man, I wonder if Michelle is alright. Haven’t thought much ‘bout her. She was real pretty. Kind of like you, Rochelle. She was white, though. Not that that means–

Naw, Coach. I’m not being too loud. I’m just making conversation. You think they’re gonna hear me before all your blam blaming?

Can somebody watch my back? I gotta heal.

Funny you should say that, Coach, because I consider myself, what do you call it, apolitical. I guess you would say I have a general mistrust of government. Which I think is warranted now that they totally screwed the pooch on the whole – what’d they call it? – “containment strategy”. And now they’re carpet bombing us.

I bet they were all, “Okay, pistols are fine, but, come on, why do people need automatic weapons?!”

THIS IS WHY, DUMBASS. IT’S CALLED A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Hold up, guys. This smokers been following us for a couple blocks. I’m gonna put one between his puffy purple eyes. BANG! BANG BANG BANG!

I’m a reload.

See, y’all can’t plan on shit like this. Shit happens. That’s why you gotta be prepared. And a whole lot of bein’ prepared is bein’ armed.

And if this great nation of ours wasn’t to the teeth, practicin’ their rights and shit when the outbreak happened, we’d be up shit creek without a paddle. God Bless America, is all I’m sayin’.

Funny how all them Senators and Congressionals who were gonna vote to take away our guns are now being mowed down by the very guns they were tryin’ to take from us. Okay, not funny. But, y’know, interesting.

Wait up. I hear that cryin’ chick. She must be in the next room.

I got an idea: let’s go out guns blazing and show that bitch what it means to be the livin’ dead in the most well-armed country in the world!

USA! USA! USA!