It’s not hard to understand. All I’m saying is zombies are real, I need three men to help me survive them and I’m sorry, Tommy, but I don’t think you’re one of those men. You’re a great boyfriend, I just… I just don’t feel safe with you.

That doesn’t mean you won’t survive this. No, no, no, no, no. All it means is you won’t survive this with me. You could very well escape New Orleans in any number of ways. But one trip to a safe house together, me and you, would undoubtedly give power to a number of hot button issues I think we’ve done a commendable job inactivating. For example, how in this relationship I am more of a hunter and you are more of a gatherer.

Please, stop crying. Please. Huh? What’s that?

What do you mean no one will fight the zombie plague with you? What about Scott and Derrick? Or even Frank? You’re no Superman, sure, but Christ your friends make Woody Allen look like Allen Iverson.

What do you mean I shouldn’t pick on them? They deserve it!  OK, correction: I did not say it’s pathetic Frank moved back in with his mother after college. It’s pathetic she still cuts his food.  Whatever. I don’t want to talk about Frank. He’s fat and ugly and when I said my friends would love to date a nice guy like him I was lying.

Ok, calm down.

What’s this really about, Tommy? That I feel safer with your brother, Ellis? I said that was a joke. Kind of. I mean, would you blame me? Like, I was totally cynical when your mother got him that gym membership last Christmas. He was way heavier than you then. But he’s really stuck to it. And now his abs, it’s like a statue of David came to life with a natural ability to kick zombie ass and spot safe houses and protect me with his hunky arms…

Come. On. There’s nothing going on between me and him! I was joking. You know when you get paranoid like this it makes you so small. And you’re already like three inches shorter than me.

Tommy, I appreciate you. You do so much for me. You make an excellent vegetable chili. And that time I was on a trip for work and you caught that mouse all on your own, you were really brave.  On the flip side, Nick, Coach and your brother Ellis, they offer the security of a well-oiled killing machine. We cover eacher other. We share health packs. And we don’t cook vegetable chili.

Sometimes, Tommy, a girl’s got to go with her brains over her heart. Because when zombies are part of the equation, brains are what really matter.