The Returners have infiltrated Kefka’s tower. The stone statue remains of the Warring Triad have finally been destroyed. A myriad of terrible beasties have been slain in the name of good. Everything that has happened before has led up to this point. The big moment. The climax.

The Returners must be triumphant here today. Kefka must be vanquished or the world will lie in ruins forevermore.

The Returners climb to the top of the tower and are treated to a grotesque sight. The mad court jester looks nothing like his former self. He has become the source of all magic: which, apparently, is a mess of muscle mass and Gothic imagery.

“I will destroy everything!” he shouts. His thundering voice is a far cry from the maniacal cackle he once had. “I will create a monument to non-existence! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!”

The Returners gather in a tight clump. They brace themselves for the villain’s first round of attacks. They’re a peculiar mix, these Returners; a wide range of ages, a wide range of species, a wide range of distinctive fighting styles. It’s a funny story how they all came together, actually.

But there’s no time for that. Kefka summons a meteor storm down on the party. The giant burning rocks deflect off the Returners’ skin like tiny pieces of hail. Sabin counters by punching Kefka’s face off.

“What the…what the hell was that?” Kefka asks. He expands to twice his size. He’s looking less and less like a human being and more like a bad Renaissance painting of Purgatory. “That really…man! I will destroy you!”

The Returners cheer. “I’m so glad we spent thirty hours slaughtering dinosaurs in that forest!” Celes shouts. “That was a super idea, Shadow.”

The ninja nods. He takes out a throwing star and tosses it at Kefka’s neck. It rips through him like a knife in hot butter. Black ooze pours out.

“What the hell was that? One throwing star did that?”

Kefka transforms again. The incredible power of the espers mutates him into a six-winged angel, floating high in a brilliant amber cloud. A purple robe is all that keeps him decent. He’s really going to fuck them up now.

Before he can crush the Returners with his Omega attack, a hairy white beast scampers across the sky and rips his leg off. It holds its trophy high above its head and roars. “Good job, Umaro!” Relm yells.

Kefka looks distraught. “Where the hell did you find a Yeti?” he asks.

“In a cave, bitch!”

The Returners descend on Kefka like a pack of wolves. They pummel him mercilessly. They use magic that hits for maximum damage. They heal themselves for twice their maximum life for no reason other to show that they can.

Kefka drowns in a sea of 9999s.

“Life…dreams…hope“ Kefka warns. “These are things I would have destroyed earlier if I knew you jerks were maxing out your abilities!”

The fight lasts no longer than a minute. Kefka is left weeping. He pleads for his life as his lower half turns to dust. The Returners don’t relent. They tear him limb from limb to add insult to injury. The world shakes and changes color around them.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

The jester is vanquished. The magicite shatters. The world is saved.

What follows is a blur. Terra’s mind is a flurry of thoughts as she leads the Returners back downstairs to the waiting Falcon. She can’t believe the nightmare is over. She can’t believe it was so easy. Mostly, she can’t believe it wasn’t more fun.