The minotaur looks displeased… and it has every right to be, as Mr. Bald has been whipping it in the face with an electrically-charged jumprope for over five minutes now. He shows no signs of stopping. In fact, he looks like he’s enjoying it more and more with every crack.

Wha-pow! Wha-pow! Wha-pow!

The fight seems to drag for ages. Neither opponent shows any sign of weakness. Even after Mr. Bald jumps a story high in the air and comes down on the great beasts muzzle with the heel of his boot, there isn’t a single drop of blood to be found.

But the close-quarters arena, which is decorated with Christmas ornaments and silly string, leaves the great beast with no path to escape, and after about three minutes more of punishment, it succumbs to a lack of wounds and falls to its knees. It warbles like a songbird on a misty April morning in Lounguantai before dying.

Mr. Bald celebrates by climbing atop his foe and belting the Chinese national anthem, March of the Volunteers. “Arise! All who refuse to be slaves! Let our flesh and blood become our new Great Wall!” The dead minotaur harmonizes because, although he is dead, he feels great pride for his country.

This is what it will be like playing God of War 3 when it’s released in China next year. In addition to removing all references to bodily harm and religious beings, massive changes will also have been made to the story.

The character of Kratos is very different in the Chinese version than he is in the American version. Instead of being a ruthless, vengeance-driven zealot with a passion for disemboweling his enemies, “Mr. Bald” is a Han government worker who drinks too much tea one evening and has vivid dreams of a fantasy world in which he must whip magical beasts into submission.

He is accompanied by his sidekick, a ten foot tall statue of Mao Zedong who offers helpful hints about how to turn off your video game console and enroll in the civil services. If Mr. Bald ever strikes him in error, the police are instantly notified and the game confiscated.

The game’s name has already been changed from “God of War 3” to “Mr. Bald’s Jumprope Tag Adventure” in order to remove the subversive words “God” and “War”.

These words bring up unpleasant thoughts and questions the government doesn’t like to answer.  They are done away with without second thought. Other titles that were on the table at one point were: “He Comes from China, Yes!” and “Go to Sleep Mr. Bald, For Communism We Are Always Waking In and Rejoicing!”

All of this will be done to please the Chinese government. The game is still in the process of being gutted and refurbished. The skulls will be turned to gumdrops, the entrails into garden snakes, and the harpy tits into maps of glorious Beijing.

All will be changed in the name of great China! All mythical beasts will be tagged by jumprope in the spirit of communism! A great adventure awaits you when you purchase this game, provided you pass this background check first!