Jerry, Robin, Akita. Tony, Larry. Looks like everyone is… Anderson? Where is Anderson? Atlanta? There’s a storm? Ugh, that’s just so Anderson.

Atlanta. Remind me of a trip with the boys from Yale to Dry Tortugas. Spring Break ’64. It was us and the long road to a weekend of history lectures and Arnold Palmers. We stopped in Atlanta to cure a wicked case of cottonmouth with julips…

Anderson? Right. Well, I guess we can start without him.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Today’s a big one for CNN.

in this office. Not with Robin at the water cooler. Right, Robin?

Right.

Moving on, proud to say most of what you’ve heard (from Rumor Robin) is correct. CNN will… this month… become… the… Children’s News Network.

Now, now, no need to applaud.

Let’s just hit the talking points for anyone concerned. (Robin.)

As we all know, niche is the new broad. FOX has the conservatives. MSNBC, the liberals. We need our corner of the market that will blindly obey our marching commands in exhange for content that meets their concrete personal beliefs. We high-up’s at CNN have spent countless, sleepless nights asking the big questions, namely ‘What demographic can make us the most money?’

In the end, Children News Network won out. 18-34 Year Old Male News Network was a close second.

We’ll start off with small, but immediate action. Today in fact CNN has already posted its first child-centric report. “Kid scores 1,019,000 on Guitar Hero.”

I want that to be a benchmark for all the no-pulled-punches children’s news to come.

Listen, I know Robin and maybe some other people are concerned. But be calm. CNN will still be a lot like it was. We’ll still have three main new divisions, replacing World, National and Local with Trampolines, Saturdays and Candy.

We’ll still have an Entertainment section.

I know it can feel like we’re faking relevance in a twenty-four hour news cycle that has swallowed us up like a whale. But cheer up. We may have been in the whale, but we’re out, now. Like Jonah, we’ve experienced our hard times, and from them we’ve grown  stronger, more eager than ever to deliver to the word of enthusiast press releases.

Anderson? Concerned? He should be most excited! I myself can’t wait to see his face while we explain our latest sponsored content initiative: Anderson Cooper’s Xbox 360.