Early this afternoon a batch of brand spanking new screenshots were posted on the Valve Left 4 Dead 2 blog. They showcase three new melee weapons (a decidedly Freeman-esque crowbar, a thorny tree branch, and a blood-spattered King James’s Bible), some slight changes in character outfits (Ellis now sports a shiny high school class ring), as well as a few minor changes to the levels we’ve seen at various trade shows.

Not all that exciting news. Or, it wouldn’t be, if they didn’t also reveal – for the first time – a brand new class of special infected: “The Greg”.

The Greg is a short, nebbish zombie with an inexpensive pair of wire-framed glasses adorning his grotesque, acne-scarred face. He loves to stand in doorways and gently touch survivors on the small of their backs as they pass by. He then tells them what a great job they’re doing.

It’s the most terrifying special infected Hardcasual has seen yet.

Valve is quick to point out in their blog that, “though the new special infected looks and acts an awful lot like Greg Tuplatski from Valve Human Resources, any similarities are entirely coincidental.”

So who is this Greg Tuplatski? And why does Valve seem so concerned about hurting his feelings?

Hardcasual was able to get a hold of the Greg Tuplatski in question for a brief phone interview, in which he stated – after repeated attempts to publicize his weekend LARP retreat in the woods outside Portland – that he was only made aware of the new character this morning. He doesn’t see the similarity.

“It looks nothing like me. We have the same glasses, I guess, but those aren’t anything special. A lot of people have these glasses,” Mr. Tuplatski noted. “It’s a little weird that we have the same tribal tattoo, though.”

Hardcasual acquired personal photographs of Mr, Tuplatski from his mother and sister. Both Mr. Tuplatski and “The Greg” have thin long faces, glassy eyes that stare right through you, and a fondness for light brown pleather jackets from Old Navy.

“We would never base a character on one of our employees without his knowledge,” says Gabe Newell, the managing director at Valve. “’The Greg’ is named such because he supports the Witch and the Tank in their efforts to kill the survivors, much like Greg Kinnear is best known for his supporting work as an actor.”

After a long pause, Newell pushed a button on his desktop phone and added loudly: “Coach is a huge fan of As Good As It Gets.”

One of Greg’s co-workers e-mailed Hardcasual when she discovered that we were writing an article about Mr. Tuplatski. She optioned to remain nameless. She had this to say about the seedy underbelly of Valve’s Human Resources Department:

“…from my experience (and I’ve worked here for six years) I can say without a doubt that the new special infected is based on Greg… the creatives have a habit of strolling down here when they’re running low on juice… they take out their notepads and jot down details about the seven of us… “

She sheds light on this detail much later: ”…one of our employees is grossly obese, another is a three pack-a-day cigarette fiend, another likes to lurk in the kitchenette and hop on top of people when they don’t wash their hands…”

She then goes on to describe in great detail a muscle-bound member of the staff who politely asked Gabe Newell to change the Tank model in the game. Newell declined and the man was fired. In distress, the man screamed angrily and flipped a few cars over in the parking lot.

Though this afternoon marks the debut of this new character, ‘The Greg’ appeared briefly in a shaky hand-held video posted to YouTube after a playable demo appeared at GamesCom last month. It went by too quickly for people to notice at the time. At the 3:14 mark one can clearly see ‘The Greg’ gently caress the small of Rochelle’s back as she passes through a doorway.

“Love the way you’re surviving,” he whispers.