John Larson’s flickering hope that The Beatles: Rock Band would feature thoughtful songs by talented musicians was extinguished yesterday when he learned the game’s unannounced 45th track would, like the 44 others announced before it, be by the Beatles.

“Hope for a Yardbirds or even a Derek and the Dominoes title was dubious. In hindsight, I recognize that,” claims Fogarty. “But a Grey Album remix, or even a track from Paul McCartney’s underrated 1972 album Ram could have really brought character to this collection of riffs better suited to dental waiting rooms.”
It’s like no one understands.

John’s a true artist. Not constrained by a college (NYU’s Clive Davis Department of Recorded Music rejected his application last April) or The Man (he’s never paid taxes), Fogarty spends hours in his parents’ basement honing his craft as a musician, artist and freethinker. Only leaving to briefly interact with his pot dealer, John has cultivated an extensive music library and a truly magnificent taste for quality ganja.

“I mean, after three Beatles songs, you kind of get it. They’re, like, the Spice Girls, if the Spice Girls were really fucking tedious. But 44 Beatles songs? I mean, if you’re gonna tell me that there’s any kind of artistry behind Octopus’s Garden, you’ve got another thing coming. Ringo Starr wrote that, and he can barely write his own name. You’d think that maybe they could accept that, and pony up a nice Neutral Milk Hotel track or something.”

His own artistic endeavors were recently limited by a Repetitive Stress Injury that left him with a weak right wrist. When asked for comment of the source of the injury, he blushes and makes vague remarks. Now, his days are dedicated mainly to eating Pop Chips and watching Saved by the Bell re-runs.

Rock Band 2’s been his only savior through this rough patch. Sure, it only provides a cheap imitation of being the rock star he knows he will be, as soon as his health clears up and those loser booking agents start feeling his take on folk-jazz fusion. But that’s OK for now because he’s decimating the RB2 leader board, and that’s pretty cool in itself.

Now his place on the leader board, the last good thing in his life, is at stake. The enemy’s name is The Beatles: Rock Band. The idea of playing the tired riffs of George Harrison… Why that’s like suffering through an hour-long elevator ride.

“My parents have been asking me about the game, since they started reading about it in the New York Times and seeing it on… the Laurence Welk Show or whatever it is they watch. If I wanted to play boring riffs by a bunch of stoned deadbeats all day, I’d go jam with those Phish-head queers I went to high school with. But the idea of having fun while listening to the Beatles? That’s like having fun while you’re in a room slowly losing all of its oxygen.”