When the morning was come, UPS Man did rap thrice on the door of Jesus de Rosa, delivering unto Him a copy of Sins of a Solar Empire.

Jesus saying, why hast thou burdened me with the all these sins? But UPS man was not moved by the quip as Bluetooth covered his ears and his loud girlfriend was on the line.

Then was fulfilled that which was prophesied by Chris the Freelance Editor, saying, And Jesus will ply his reviewer trade on a Role-Playing Strategy, whom they the hobbyists and they the scale modelists and they the students of History do value.

Jesus trusted in Chris to deliver him now from this cruel bondage: for He said, I am not paid enough for this.

But Chris did not listen. So unto himself Jesus took these Sins.

And then did Jesus explore the Empires’ many celestial objects and anomalies. And then too did Jesus explore the Empire’s Moby FAQ and Wikipedia page. And then again did Jesus copy the Wikipedia page and paste it and reword it and fashion it with much snark.

But Jesus’ word count had reached no more than 100, and so did He return to the Solar Empire, taking upon Himself once more its many Sins.

To cure His woes for the game, Jesus did consume Red Bull and Fritos, but they satisfied Him not, as He was large-wasted and required much drink and snack. The nourishment did however fill him with alacrity for the task of unlocking Empire’s many civil building units and that was good.

Then straightaway, at the fourth hour, the caffeine and salt did fail Him for he then needed sleep and drink, but he received them not. The Empire grew increasingly dark so Jesus did increase the monitor’s brightness.

Now from the sixth hour of Sins the darkness spread over all the computer lab unto the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me to 4X strategy games?

At the tenth hour, Jesus downloaded the Entrenchment expansion, inputting his product key to initiate installation, but the key was not recognized and so Jesus was denied. His mouth opened for a final yell and the ghost did leave Him.