Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb looks like a Bond-villain from our spot at the end of a long conference table hidden deep within Microsoft Headquarters in Redmond, Washington. His fingers rattle across the table as he hums what sounds like “The Ride of the Valkyries.”

Our meeting should have started minutes ago, but the Major likes to build suspense.  It’s a power thing.

“This better be worth missing Becker,” says Brian Crecente, who rocks in his chair next to me. I don’t have the heart to tell him the show was canceled years ago.

Hryb coughs and the room goes silent. “A lot of you have had concerns about advertisements on the Xbox  Dashboard,” Hryb says to the room. “You say intrusive ads won’t appeal to paying customers. Today I will to prove you wrong.”

The screen behind him, a 100” Panasonic Plasma, lights up with a dozen naked women twisting, thrusting and tribbing. And they continue to fill the screen. Big breasts. Small breasts. Asses. Toys. Asses stuffed with toys. Too many toys. “BIG COCKS IN SMALL HOLES.”

“Tits,” says Hryb. “Tits, tits, tits!”

He’s right on all four counts. It’s hard to look away from the grotesque mounds of flesh and silicone and the sheen of lube, sweat and juices.

“What we’ve done here,” says Hryb, dragging his thumb and index finger down the side of his mouth to wipe away globs of spit. “Is combined what gamers like, games, with what gamers love, porn, with what Microsoft needs, advertising. It’s a threeway where everyone gets off.” He breathes in. “Punned.”

I stare at the screen and the universe clicks. Beholding the orgiastic dashboard is like looking into the eye of creation – hearing Shakespeare improvise a sonnet or seeing a Picasso before it dries.

Things will never be the same, I know this.

That afternoon, I take lunch in the Microsoft food court with Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer.  Over California rolls, he breaks down the ads: “With porn pop-ups, the dashboard experience obliterates any remaining divide between video game console and personal computer.” He stops to suck the seeds out of edamame then continues, “Now playing games, watching movies, listening to music and jerking to porn can all be enjoyed with one unique console.”

So, Steve, how do you top yourself? “Don’t print this anywhere,” says Balmer, leaning in close. “But the next system will cook you dinner.”