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Roy Brandman stands in line at the Yogurtland on Lemon Street. He’s got a cup full of French vanilla (with strawberries and Captain Crunch on top) and a big grin on his face. He has no fucking clue that right now, at this very moment, the phone in his pocket is calling his friend Erik.

See, Roy made this mistake of not putting his new iPhone 3GS in sleep mode before putting it away. It’s an amateur mistake that a lot of new iPhone users make. The button that puts the machine into sleep mode is real tiny, and sometimes people with fat fingers can’t handle it correctly.

I guess what we’re saying is: Apple hates fat people.

If Erik was able to answer his phone, like if we were in some sort of alternate universe, he’d probably be hearing some faint Alanis Morissette in the background while Roy’s far-away voice says something like, “Is it possible to make a cup of yogurt that weighs more than 5 ounces? Has it been done before?”

But Erik is never going to hear that provocative question, nor is he going to hear the riveting interchange that happens when Roy gives the cashier a fifty dollar bill, because, believe it or not, Erik no idea that the phone in his pocket is active either.

In fact, right now Erik is in the shower, plucking at the hair around his balls with a tweezer for no real reason. His pants are scrunched up on the toilet lid, buzzing soft and low against the plastic with each incoming ring. Totally clueless.

One can only imagine what conversation these two could be having right now. Maybe they haven’t talked in a really long time. They could catching up, reminiscing about days gone by. The way their lives didn’t go in the direction they both thought it would.

I bet it’d be good for them to hear one another’s voice, but that ain’t the way it is. Right now, it’s a whole lot of pocket talking to pocket. Talking about pocket things. How’s the lint over there? Not bad. Got some change in me today.

“Pockets calling other pockets makes up a surprisingly high percentage of all phone calls in the United States,” says Dale Higgenbottom, an Associate Professor at Ravenwood Community College with a Masters in Communications. “A recent study found that the pockets of over 70% of iPhone users are in better contact with one another than those iPhone users are in contact with their grandparents. It’s a surprising statistic, but then again… not surprising at all.”

Whether or not Roy and Erik’s pockets call each other more often than Roy and Eric call their respective grandparents, we’ll never know.

Right now Roy is eating delicious yogurt on the patio outside Yogurtland. He has his iPhone 3GS in his chubby hands. He curses the phone. Damns it to hell for all of eternity for calling Erik without consulting him first. Prays that Erik doesn’t call him back.
Erik is rubbing lotion on his thigh and scrolling through his missed calls. He stops on Roy’s name. What the hell did that guy want? He listens to the message. Silence. He tosses the phone on the bed and walks back into the bathroom. That guy is a creep, he thinks, and squirts a dollop of shaving lotion into his hand.