Ryan Studemeyer’s carpet has been professionally washed three times this month; he’s not about to foot the bill again, but his coffee table, a wobbly stack of wood he’d have thrown away years ago were it not passed down from his father’s father to his father to him, seems determined to stain the carpet with marinara sauce or black tea or whatever dark, stain-making substance he puts on it next.

The table should be fine enough in theory. The wood’s Red Oak and the craftsmanship, fantastic  – antique roadshow quality. But in practice, the fourth leg, the one closest to Ryan when he sits down with a TV dinner, has somehow shrunken. And thus the table is wobbly. It’s a wobbly table.

“I need something to place under that fourth leg,” says Studemeyer in an highly sought interview awarded to Hardcasual. “Something not too big and not too small. It can’t be precious to me, that would be a waste. And it can’t be worthless, that would be an eyesore. Oh, and factor in the day to day wear and tear; this has to be replaceable, no, make that updatable. Yes, that’s right.  What I really need is a throw-away discussion piece.”

I consider his demands for a moment, open my satchel and pull out a copy of FIFA 10. Ryan, mouth agape, snatches it.

“It’s perfect,” says Ryan. “It’s the perfect size, it’s utterly forgettable though entirely unique, a foreign novelty that spurns plenty of discussion.”

“But what happens when it breaks,” I ask, concerned about his carpet’s wellbeing.

“When it breaks, I’ll trade it in for next years,” Ryan says, “It’ll be exactly the same.”