He stands before a crowd of gaming journalists, his rim of his ballcap pulled down low over his eyes. His voice is a monotone droll, unwavering as reads a statement that he has written with the notepad feature on his iPhone 3GS. For the first time in years, his outfit is devoid of sponsorship.

This is Fatal1ty, real name Johnathan Wendel, one of the most famous video gamers in the world. And he just tested positive for Mountain Dew.

“I’m deeply sorry to my fans and my family, and anyone else who I may have hurt through my reckless quest to quench my thirst,” Mr. Wendel says. “I recognize that my actions have ramifications and hope that in time you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. I feel like I’ve fragged each and every one of you.”

In the past decade Mr. Wendel has won over half a million dollars in professional gaming competitions, particularly the Cyberathlete Professional League, which has strict rules that no players use any controlled substances or have girlfriends.
Mr. Wendel opened his own business, Fatal1ty Inc., shortly after winning his first Quake tournament in 2000. The company sells mouse pads, “FATpads”, motherboards, coolers, sound cards, video cards, computer mice, computer cases, headphones, power supplies, and even clothes bearing his moniker. It is not known whether or not this company has made a single cent.

“As some of you know, there is incredible pressure within the gaming community to ingest these banned substances,” Mr. Wendel continued. “We live in a DEWmocracy – a world in which these substances are easily attained, whether it be from a fellow player or the local grocery store.”

Mr. Wendel pauses to open a package of Doritos.

“I’m sorry. My fingers are wet.”

A spokesman for the Cyberathlete Professional League says that they are currently debating whether or not to strip Mr. Wendel of his awards. “We don’t want to do it, but the evidence is there. Our doctor found trace elements of Mountain Dew, Diet Mountain Dew, Caffeine-Free Mountain Dew, Diet Mountain Dew Fountain, Caffeine-Free Diet Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew Code Red, Diet Mountain Dew Code Red, Mountain Dew LiveWire, Mountain Dew Baja Blast, Mountain Dew Cherry Rush, Mountain Dew Voltage, Mountain Dew Game Fuel Horde Red, Mountain Dew Game Fuel Alliance Blue, Mountain Dew Throwback, Darth Dew, and Mountain Dew Revolution.”

“Clearly this is a man with a serious addiction. Some of those drinks were discontinued over five years ago.”

When asked if he has any message for aspiring professional gamers out there, Mr. Wendel has this to say: “These drinks are tempting. They make you more alert and turn your pee a funny color. But take it from someone who has had it all and lost it. Don’t do the dew.”