In an impromptu E3 press conference this afternoon, popular video game peripheral maker Mad Catz’s CEO and President, Dan Richardson, took the stage in a sharp blazer and held in his hands a box that had been delivered mere moments earlier from a rapid-prototyping facility in the area. He began his conference, “As we’ve seen at E3 this year, gamers are soon going to have a whole new set of ways to play. Here at Mad Catz, we’re excited to work hand in hand with these manufacturers – to offer consumers a way to insure these new peripherals are not mistaken for vibrators.”

“As anyone who has seen the inside of a sex toy store can assert,” Richardson continued, “The design of the PS3 ‘wand’ is clearly based on the Hitachi Magic Wand Body Massager*, a notoriously powerful sex toy and massager perhaps best known for its appearance on an episode of Sex and the City.” The crowd remained silent as Richardson held for what he clearly expected to be applause. “Likewise,” he pressed on, “The Wii Vitality Sensor is modeled on a number of finger vibrators, such as the Yoni Finger Massager Portable Personal Massager*.”

“That’s why Mad Catz is proud to announce a line of easy-to-install, easy-to-clean controller sleeves, clearly labeled ‘NOT A VIBRATOR’. As these products gradually fill your living room and become a part of all of our lives as gamers, our loved ones may not know what to make of these new additions. Perhaps some will be confused as to what exactly you’re doing – and worse, maybe some will be curious and try them for themselves.”

Raising a silicone sleeve which he wrapped, condom-like, around a PS3 wand, he demonstrated how clear the product was. “What once was quite possibly a powerful personal massager, capable of vibrating over 200 times per second for gut-blasting clitoral orgasms, is now clearly a toy that can emulate a bow and arrow. Don’t worry about leaving this around the house – everyone will know exactly the kind of guy you are. One with no need at all for sex toys.”

Richardson capped off his presentation by addressing the most unclear area for peripheral manufacturers – the forthcoming Microsoft Natal technology. In response to a reporter’s question, he said, “What most people don’t realize is that when you’re using a Natal, just about anything could be mistaken for a sex toy. If you want your friends and family around while you’re using your Natal, and Milo asks you, ‘Hey, Dan, where’s your gigantic King Kong Dong dildo?’, then you’re going to be embarrassed. That’s why we’ll be releasing a set of vinyl stickers to attach to anything and everything in your house, to make it clear to your Natal and your friends that everything you own is definitely, definitely, not a sex toy.”

Richardson asked if there were any further questions from the audience, but was only met with long, uncomfortable silence and stares.

*: Please note, any vibrator purchases through these links will help offset Hardcasual’s bandwidth costs. Discreet shipping available.