The baton-wielding musclehead tasked with keeping the riffraff out of the Los Angeles Convention Center for the entirety of E3 couldn’t have been more polite to us. Really.

After being denied entrance at every possible gateway into the Electronic Entertainment Exposition (yes, we even tried the loading dock) our group of thirty-four writers, photographers, cameramen, gaffers, musicians, animal handlers and beat poets waited patiently at the front gate for over an hour while he attempted to ‘remedy the situation.’

In the end, the rule-abiding prick told us there was nothing he could do.

We tried to explain to him that, hey, sometimes press passes get lost in the mail. And sometimes very important news journals get left off the attendee list. These things happen. To us. A lot.

And sometimes, event organizers get so caught up in the minute details that they forget the important things: like making sure that prestigious commentators like ourselves are able to attend the singular most important event on the gaming calendar so that we can keep on blowing people’s minds with how fucking great we are.

“Hey, I’m sorry that you guys and your uh… caravan drove all the way out here from wherever it is you came from,” he said, glancing nervously at Mitsy, our trained cougar. “But without a press pass, you aren’t getting into this facility.”

Okay. He was just doing his job, we told ourselves as we packed up our van. We would have done the same thing if we were all patronizing, jealous, overpaid dickheads with shitty haircuts. If we were in his faggoty shoes, we probably would take pleasure in ruining peoples days too. We totally get it!

I mean, it’s not like we drove four days cross-country with a pissed-off cougar in the back for nothing. After all, we’re in Los Angeles! Cool! We can all go to the Geddy or something! See a movie at the Arclight! Get bombed on medicinal marijuana!

And it’s not this guy’s fault that he’s never heard of Hardcasual, we tell ourselves as we sit in traffic. The people in charge of hiring security should have been a little more careful in their screening process. They hired someone to look after a gaming exposition who hasn’t heard of the most revered website in the field.

I mean, you wouldn’t deny Dog Fancy entrance to the fucking Purina Dog Show would you?

Goddammit! Move you stupid cars!

All in all, a terrible start to E3 2009. Hopefully not the end, but we’re going to call this one. The cougar has a bladder infection or something. She’s pissing all over our equipment.

E3 2009 Grade: F-
E3 2009 Security Grade: B+