When subterranean exterminator Dig Dug started digging this morning in Bloomfield Township, Michigan, he was expecting to find monsters, not mobsters. To his surprise, he found a skeleton two-hundred-and-sixty-four feet below the surface, one that – according to local forensics experts – belonged to none other than famous missing mobster Jimmy Hoffa.

“Mr. Dig Dug has reopened a case that has been on the books for more than thirty years,” said Special Agent Sal Romaro from the FBI. “Thanks to him, we can finally figure out who killed Jimmy Hoffa and bring those people to justice.”

Jimmy Hoffa was a notorious American trade unionist who went missing in the Summer of 1975. His ties to the mafia were well known, and it has long been suspected that he was abducted and murdered by mobsters. It is not known why.

Hardcasual sat down with Mr. Dig Dug in his camper for a brief interview about the incident. He was dressed in his white and blue work attire, with dark red dust all over his knee-high boots. Throughout the interview, he drank a clear liquid from a tin flask.

“Erm, it’s part of the job,” Mr. Dig Dug said. “I’m finding shit down there all the time. Time capsules, pirate booty, spaceships – you name it, I’ve found it. I found a dinosaur once. It was alive.”

The walls of Mr. Dig Dug’s camper are adorned with artifacts he has excavated throughout his 27 years on the job. Most noticeable is the Galaxian flagship sitting atop an ancient computer monitor. Propped at the end of a rust-stained, unmade pullout bed is his ‘pumper,’ a device that shoots an arrow attached to a long hose, which Mr. Dig Dug uses to exterminate creatures he finds below the surface.

Mr. Dig Dug pours a finger of brandy and hands it to me. “Erm, guh, this is why nobody should use that Mr. Driller dickhead. If it was him out there, drilling, whoda known what he woulda done… contaminating the crime scene and stuff!”

He stares at me, silent, as if he’s forgotten who I am. “You have Pookas in your garden. Erm, egh, I can take care of them real cheap.”