Nearly 4,500 pounds of performance-enhancing mushrooms, potions, and various other power ups were seized at the Nogales border crossing station by federal agents yesterday morning in what is possibly the single largest blow against illegal trafficking in the last ten years.

The seizure occurred at around 4:30 am Tuesday, when a secret compartment was found on a commercial bus during a secondary inspection. Over the course of two hours, agents discovered seventeen more secret compartments that contained fifteen million dollars worth of illegal power ups. Also discovered were thirty “faerie jars,” a highly popular power up among youth in woodland areas.

“It was a stroke of luck,” said Agent Maurice Stratford, who discovered the first of the eighteen compartments. “The dogs, they can’t sniff out this stuff. There’s too many varieties. I mean, a green mushroom from Baja doesn’t smell like a green mushroom from Afghanistan. So we have to kind of poke around and hope we find this stuff before it gets in [to the country]. This was a major score, sure, but for every pound of power up we seize here, twenty more slip by us.”

According to a report released by U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) last year, not only is the amount of power ups getting into the country increasing, but more and more dangerous power ups are appearing as well.

Jeanine Poole, a Maricopa County corrections officer, fears what the future holds if these power ups get into the hands of the criminals housed in facilities like hers. “Most of that stuff ends up in suburbia and, of course, that gets all the press, but the sad reality is that more and more of these power ups are ending up in prisons. I think that’s a real cause for concern, don’t you? What would happen if someone snuck one of those leaves in that turns you into a flying raccoon? How are we supposed to combat that? Or, God forbid, someone manages to grab a spread attack. All he’d need is one gun and suddenly he’s spraying bullets every which way. It’d be a massacre!”

According to Agent Stratford, the driver of the bus was carrying several fake item boxes on his person. He was arrested at the scene.