Longtime Nintendo fans were furious last Tuesday when the company’s president, Satoru Iwata, gave them everything they’ve ever wanted.

The announcement to fully meet fans demands came during Iwata’s keynote speech for the 2009 Game Developers Conference. Besides a new Zelda, revealed in an exclusive video clip, Iwata also showed new features for the Nintendo Wii including SD cards that expand the hard drive and a new Virtual Console channel for arcade games.

“I know that’s what I asked for, but couldn’t they have done a lot more. Like, where’s the new Mario or the HD Wii that comes with an improved online UI and costs me two postage stamps and some pocket lint?” said a journalist that asked to remain anonymous. “Or Goldeneye?”

The reaction came as no surprise to Mr. Iwata, who says he has learned to ignore the vocal minority of hardcore Nintendo douche bags. “They ask for Zelda, we give them Zelda, But apparently that’s not the right Zelda.” said Iwata, then with a smirk, “They want Mother 3? No way. We give it to them and, bam, they’ll expect a new one every keynote. ‘Where’s Mother 4 for Wii,’ they’ll say. Instead, I give them Wii Music 2.”

To help calm irate journalists, Nintendo gifted keynote attendees with a free copy of Rhythm Heaven for the DS. “This game would be better as a FPS,” said the anonymous journalist, brushing his dreadlocks away from his thick-rimmed glasses.

Incensed Nintendo loyalists filled message boards to offer constructive criticism like “give me binky” and “me make ca-ca.”