The autobiography of Ness, the psychic wunderkind who saved the planet over a decade ago, debuted Tuesday at number three on the New York Times bestseller list. “…”, which features a foreword by acclaimed inventor Doctor Andonuts, is filled with two-hundred-and-fifty-nine blank pages, an unorthodox choice that doesn’t seem to be slowing sales one bit.

“That’s Ness,” says Jeff Andonuts, the editor of the book as well as a close friend of the author. “For years and years people have been asking for him to tell his side of the story and he’s always been hesitant. He’s a very private person, as you well know. Then one day he called me up and… well I could hear him breathing on the line. The point is, this book, for the first time, tells the story of how we defeated Gigyas in the man’s own words. It’s breathtaking… and a real quick read.”

It would be hard to find anyone who doesn’t already know the story of Ness’s journey from Onett to Winters to Dalaam to the past to defeat the evil alien being known as Gigyas. Over sixty books have been released on the subject since the public was made aware of the event fifteen years ago, from Prince Poo’s “Mu and You: How to Eradicate the Gigyas from Your Life” to Ness’s girlfriend Paula’s “Pray Seven Times and Call Me in the Morning,” but in no book has Ness publicly addressed his battle with the most pretentious evil alien the world has ever seen.

“I’ve already read it twenty times,” said Fiona Grapeseed, a self-proclaimed “NessHead” who stood outside the bookstore for two days in anticipation of the book’s release. “It’s perfect. So much insight. I can imagine him sitting next to me, in his cute little red hat he always wears, not reading it aloud.”

Ness declined to comment on this article, instead passing the phone to his assistant, Mr. Saturn. “HI HI YOU LIKE BOOK? “ Mr. Saturn said, adding, “CAN ARRANGE SIGNING TOO FOR YOU. WHY BOOK IS BLANK? MR. NESS PSYCHIC SO HE KNEW BOOK WOULD BE BIG HIT NO MATTER WHAT. ZOOM!