No doubt you’ve heard the ugly news about a public argument between Mario and Peach last Saturday that ended with our favorite Princess on the dining end of a knuckle sandwich.

Sources originally believed it was a naughty text message from Mario’s ex-lover Daisy that spurred the lover’s quarrel.

Not so, says our tipster, a mushroom-headed friend of the couple that asked to remain nameless.

Here’s the insider skinny. Mario and Peach were karting down Rainbow Road late Saturday evening when an inebriated Peach confessed that Bowser, Mario’s rival, gave her warts after a performance on the Warp Whistle Tour.

Mario, furious because he was experiencing serious itch on his toadstool, pulled over the kart, and the couple began to argue. Enraged and juiced from a night of mushrooms, Mario assaulted his long-time girlfriend. The sounds of the Snufit Police sirens alerted Mario, who escaped down a green pipe.

Warts or no warts, Mario’s totally a Goomba. We hope this ass crack does time behind bars with all the other Koopa trash in the Mushroom Kingdom. And when he’s done with the clink, send him to Moo Moo Meadows for some mandatory rehab. We’d hate to lose another Mario brother to power-ups.

R.I.P. Luigi.