9:01 PM EST

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. In two short weeks, I am set to turn over the Presidency to President-Elect Barack Obama, the man that you, the American people, voted into the White House. In what promised to be a historic day for our nation, Mr. Obama is to accept the responsibilities of being the most powerful elected official in the world and I am to return to my ranch in Crawford, Texas to pick up where I left off – watching Texas State games in my pajamas and snacking on some delicious honey roasted peanuts.

As much as I loved being your President, I have to admit that I am very excited for this all to be over with. If you have not noticed, America, I have been keeping a respectful distance from both governing and policy-making as I patiently await the moment I get to high tail it out of this town.

But now, with this ‘global economic crisis’ creating hardships for the American people, a deadly insurgency in Iraq that grows worse and worse every day, and the total collapse of all my hard work talking peace between Israel and Palestine, two weeks just sounds too darn far away.

So tonight I address the nation so you can hear it directly from the horse’s mouth: I am out of here.  I quit. This is stupid.

After I finish this address, Laura and I will be packing up our things and vacating the White House for good. We don’t have a lot of things here, so it will be real quick. Mr. Obama and his Justice League can move in tonight, if they want to. I don’t care. I’m over it.

But before I up and leave, I want set the record straight on a few things that have been bugging me for a while now.

First off, this government is broken. You know all that talk about checks and balances in the school books? Don’t believe a word of it. It’s hooey. The whole thing is as balanced as Jenna after a couple Cosmopolitans. I mean, I’m the gosh-darned President, for crying out loud. I have two hundred nuclear warheads sitting in silos, but I can’t use none of them because my so-called ‘advisors’ keep telling me the option isn’t even on the table. Two hundred nukes and I’m not even allowed to use them. How cheap is that?

If we didn’t want our President to use nukes, we shouldn’t have given him the power to use nukes. Come on. Use your brains.

And it doesn’t end there. I mean, look at these teams. I may be the President, but I’m only one guy. Congress, that’s – what – three hundred people? You try and tell me how that’s fair, because I’d like to hear it. How is little old me supposed to get anything done when they outnumber me three-hundred to one?

That’s just mathematics.

Let’s not forget that everyone teamed up on me from the very beginning. I felt like a fat kid playing dodgeball. I wasn’t even in office yet and people were accusing me of cheating. ‘Stealing the presidency’ and all that bullhonkey. I didn’t steal anything, America. The Florida Supreme Court said so. You’re the cheaters. You’re a bunch of liars and cheaters.

You want to talk about cheating?

Put yourselves in my shoes, if you can. Pretend you’re planning to invade a random middle-eastern country to impress your Pops, who always thought you were a bit of a knucklehead, and the head of the friggin’ CIA comes up to you and says, “Hey, Mr. President. They got Weapons of Mass Destruction. It’s a slam dunk. Go for it.”

You’d do it, right? Of course you would. It’s the head of the CIA. You’ve seen the movies. They got eyes and ears all over the world.

But then you find out that this spook was just jerking you off and that there was nothing there but a bunch of sand and rocks, but not until after you’ve blown a billion dollar surplus on rockets, and tanks, and all that stuff.

You try working under those conditions. God, I’ve had it!

What I’m saying is that this whole system was stacked against me from the get-go. Being President – that’s supposed to be fun, right? Well let me tell you, it isn’t. It’s a real pain in the butt. Something is very broken around here.

Maybe Barack can fix this Presidency up. Make a few changes so it’s a little more checked and balanced. If he can do that, I might take a stab at term 3. But I’m not making any promises, America.

So here your President goes, riding off into the sunset like Shane did in that movie. I know that quitting the office two weeks early is an unprecedented move, but that’s what you folks get for being so dang unfair. Plus, I like to think of myself as a bit of a trailblazer. A maverick, if you will.

God Bless America, and go fuck yourselves.