From: Concerned Citizen

Re: Traffic Crime

Body:

I fear you’ve taken a lax stance on recent criminal activity.

You see, a few months ago, while parked outside my local post office, minding my own business licking stamps, I watched a man run a red light. While one cannot expect the LCPD to apprehend every petty criminal, this particular incident occurred before a stationed police vehicle.

Tsk,tsk, LCPD. Tsk, tsk.

Over the next few months, this occurrence has repeated itself daily. I go to the post office, lick my stamps, and watch one, sometimes two, citizen’s speed through that very intersection.  Occasionally a driver will even hit a homeless person. With his car! It seems the LCPD no longer responds to criminal activity lest someone burns down a city block with a Molotov cocktail.

While I was able to put the first event behind me, the repeated incidents cannot go unnoticed. Please punish those that cannot respect our basic traffic laws. Also, please lower the cost of stamps. 27 cents? J’accuse!

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RE: Helicopters

Body:

Please don’t shoot my helicopter.

How is a pilot supposed to make a living if his chopper’s riddled with bullets every time he transports a few passengers from Broker to Algonquin? I understand safety concerns, but as a professional helicopter pilot my career subsists on two things.

1) Paying customers that need quick, efficient air support.

2.) Not being shot down.

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From: Concerned Citizen

Re: Re: Traffic Crime

Body:

I appreciate your quick and forceful response to my last complaint by bolstering Liberty City’s police force. The increased presence of helicopters and SWAT vans provides comfort for these troubling times. That said, people continue to religiously run that red light outside my post office.

How am I supposed to mail letters with people running red lights?

Since I may have skimped on the details in my last note, allow me to provide them now.

-I go to the post office every day at 11:15 AM.

-My post office’s located at Lorimar and Burlesque.

-If you don’t police this intersection, I will.

-I will murder them.

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From: Criminal

Re: My Wanted Level

Body:

COP-555-0100

Sent via text message.

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From: Concerned Citizen

Re: Re: Re: Traffic Crime

Body:

An elderly man ran the red light outside my post office at 11:17 this morning. At 11:18, I followed him at high speeds: north on Burlesque, west on Manganese and north on Frankfort. At Quartz Street, I tailgated the elderly gentleman through a red light, then used my Cavalcade FXT to ram his Blista Compact into Middle Park Lake.

I have reason to believe the man drowned. I believe this because he swam to shore where I held his face under water until his body went limp. I also stole his wallet. And then I buried him in the embankment.

Since I ran a red light during this pursuit, I also willingly confess to that crime. While I may be guilty, you’re accountable too. 27 cents? For a stamp? Highway robbery.

You dare not throw the first stone.