American Sturdies Coffee Table With European “Football” Game
Fri, 07/3/09 – 2:00

“I need something to place under that fourth leg,” says Studemeyer in an highly sought interview awarded to Hardcasual. “Something not too big and not too small. It can’t be precious to me, that would be a waste. And it can’t be worthless, that would be an eyesore. Oh, and factor in the day to day wear and tear; this has to be replaceable, no, make that updatable. Yes, that’s right. What I really need is a throw-away discussion piece.”

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Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime Hands Over Keys to Magical Game Factory to Idealistic Young Boy
Thu, 07/2/09 – 1:00
Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime Hands Over Keys to Magical Game Factory to Idealistic Young Boy

Charlie was astonished when Morhaime opened the vault door. He had never seen so many cubicles in his life! “This is where we make the magic. Go ahead, touch any of the employees. They’re real. Just don’t ask them to stop working.”

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Quake Tournament Champion Tests Positive for Mountain Dew
Wed, 07/1/09 – 1:00
Quake Tournament Champion Tests Positive for Mountain Dew

“I’m deeply sorry to my fans and my family, and anyone else who I may have hurt through my reckless quest to quench my thirst,” Mr. Wendel says. “I recognize that my actions have ramifications and hope that in time you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. I feel like I’ve fragged each and every one of you.”

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Lost Vikings Found Dead Outside Irvine Bar
Tue, 06/30/09 – 9:59
Lost Vikings Found Dead Outside Irvine Bar

According to a report on the incident by the Irvine Police Dept., none of the three had a history of depression or psychosis except Erik’s brief stint on Lexapro during the late 1990s.

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REVIEW: Red Faction: Gorilla an Early Contender for Game of the Year
Mon, 06/29/09 – 0:18
REVIEW: Red Faction: Gorilla an Early Contender for Game of the Year

Some may say that the writing in Red Faction: Gorilla is “lacking in depth,” or that it “may have been written by a seven-year-old whose only knowledge of a gorilla came from a ripped up ZooBook.” We here at Hardcasual, though, praise the writers for giving players what they want – a true summer blockbuster of a game, and one not afraid to spend its first three hours mainly concerned with an elaborate poop-hurling mini-game.

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Anxious Nation Waits For Games Journalists’ Twitters About Tragic Death
Fri, 06/26/09 – 0:12
Anxious Nation Waits For Games Journalists’ Twitters About Tragic Death

Evan Williams, the CEO of Twitter, told us, “We always hoped that Twitter would give games journalists a platform to express themselves. To express themselves as racist, homophobic, gossip-mongering twats with a desire to profit off the dead. We also added the favorite feature for the possibility that someone could call a dead person ‘a plastic chunk of child molestor’, which is both offensive and horrible, and yet the best possible use of Twitter.”

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Nintendo Stock Plummets After Announcement of New Coat Hanger Add On to Wiimote
Thu, 06/25/09 – 6:08
Nintendo Stock Plummets After Announcement of New Coat Hanger Add On to Wiimote

The placard placed in front of the coat hanger peripheral says nothing more than “Coat Hanger Add-On, Release Date TBD.” The object itself is attached to the standard Wiimote, plugged in at the bottom of the device where the nun chuck is typically inserted. Hanging from it is a pair of snazzy brown slacks.

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Upcoming Iranian Revolution to Have Fully Destructible Environments
Wed, 06/24/09 – 1:00
Upcoming Iranian Revolution to Have Fully Destructible Environments

Tehran is the largest city in the Middle East. It has the second largest population in the world with 18,587,453 people. It is home to hundreds of historic mosques, churches, synagogues and Zoroastrian fire temples, all of which will realistically crumble into nothingness when blown up with an RPG.

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Shia LaBeouf Chats, Drinks, Shits on a Wii
Tue, 06/23/09 – 10:13
Shia LaBeouf Chats, Drinks, Shits on a Wii

LaBeouf and I had convened earlier that night for drinks. The young actor, a long-time fan of Hardcasual, candidly dished about behind-the-scenes shenanigans on his latest film, Transformers: Rise of the Robots. But LaBeouf, an otherwise genial young-man with a passion for toilet lid artistry, got salty when conversation clandestinely turned to Boom Blox.

“I told Steven [Spielberg] I refuse to do another Indy until he quits the childish shit,” says LaBeouf. We laugh, thinking this must be a joke, but LaBeouf continues, “You wanna know how the hardcore play Boom Blox? Real explosives. City blocks.”

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