EXT. SPA – GOLDEN HOUR
DANICA PATRICK, naked except for a clandestine white bath towel, sprawls on a massage table. BIG DADY, in a revealing tank top, lumbers above her, squeezing out a bottle of oil onto her back.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are tweeting in space. That’s right, after fifty long years of wasting taxpayer money on unnecessary hair cuts and fake moon landings, NASA has finally upgraded their technology, making it so astronauts can directly tweet and post pictures from way up on high. Doesn’t becoming an astronaut sound about twelve-trillion times better now? Be warned, though, looks can be deceiving.
“Morality challenges” are one feature that the developers talked up to us. “Say, you’ve been raped repeatedly by your father. But you’re pregnant, and your community tells you not to get an abortion. But you can’t take care of the baby, and your mother is abusive. The only game this year that will give you an achievement for making the right choice is Precious: The Video Game: Based on the Movie “Precious”: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire.”
The blue turtle shell is only the tip of the iceberg. One has to wonder, are there still banana peels rotting on the brunette slopes of Choco Mountain? And how many fake item boxes have been left to the elements out in Yoshi Valley? These are the things we never think about when the confetti has been swept away and the winners and losers have all been chosen.
As Greg collects his jacket and car keys, he thinks about the day that he was given his marching orders from his father outside the tool shed on a swelteringly hot Alabama evening. Do what you love and everything will fall into place, his father had said, ever the benevolent quest giver. His words should have been the beacon with which Greg navigated his way through life. Instead, they were ignored, and now they rang in the bitter halls of his resignation.
XXX/***********\XXXXX
XXX|…o..0……|XXXXX
XXX|..(_____)..|XXXXX
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The bar ungulates with beautiful people Allen has yet to meet and, if not for the next 16 consecutive Tuesday nights in which he’ll play their personal cipher to the final season of LOST, he never would. That’s because they’re different than Allen. Jacob’s a cook and a college drop out. Zelda blogs at a gossip site down in Soho and says she’s never heard of the game she shares a name with – even though Allen brings it up every time they meet.
“Oh, cool, you like video games? Well, uh, my friend just played BioShock 2. Yeah. And he liked it. Or I think he did, I can’t tell. He won’t tell me until the embargo runs out. Isn’t that cool? Yeah, it is. Yeah, just keep talking me like you think I’m cool until your cousin looks over here. Yeah, then she might think I’m hot and then she’ll tell her friends. No, that’s not the only reason I’m talking to you. What’s your name? Oh, yeah. Great. Now look excited.”
Teddy makes his way to the bar and sidles up next to a blurry blonde stick sitting by herself. She turns towards him, her gigantic pink nose rendering, her bloodshot eyes flickering on bright and her lips chapping before him. She’s a hideous, stringy witch of a woman, twenty pounds heavier than any other girl at the bar; a being worthy of being alone, especially at a place like this. Now Teddy must find a way to dump this ugly chick, and fast.
Tracy Porter saves money on graph paper by shaving the Metroid world map above his left ear.
Your Pocket
The marbles from Marble Madness were last seen clacking around in… What do you mean they’re not there? You took them. I saw you take them! Shit. Check the couch cushions.
Tank no vote in election. Tank too busy writing ‘HELP’ on roof of building to vote. Tank no scared of much, but tank wary of big government, unless big government use helicopter to save tank when he stranded on roof. But that no happen.
This week brings the 2009 Tokyo Game Show, and with it an assortment of rumors, speculation, and Western journalists remarking about how wacky Tokyo is. We thought we’d share a few of the rumors that have come across our desks in the past few days.
The match, which was broadcast live on Pay-Per-View to over a million households, was billed as “Fighters Who Didn’t Read Their Contracts”.
Onyxia’s Lair
Onyxia can’t believe people are bringing their pets in here.